Empowering Woman: Ana
As a working mom I feel like there is always this guilt of leaving your baby to go to work. As much as you might love your job, there is no love like the one for your son/daughter. While I was on maternity leave I honestly couldn’t wait to get back to work and my “normal” life. I thought I wouldn’t miss my daughter that much, after all my mom was the one that would be babysitting. Boy was I wrong!
The first couple of weeks after I returned to work were great! I felt like the “old me”. I missed my daughter but I knew she was in good hands at home with my mom. I received a few pictures and videos throughout the day and I was fine. Fast forward to 3 weeks after maternity leave and one day it just hit me out of nowhere. I missed my daughter so much, I felt so guilty and nearly wanted to cry. I just wanted to go home to her and hug her and kiss her. But I couldn’t, because you know, I had to be an adult. Ever since that day I have this constant guilt that I am not sure it will ever go away. Every time I leave to work, I know I do it to keep sane, but also because I want to provide a better life for my daughter. It is a crazy concept.
Like I said before, I am blessed that my mom is able to care for my daughter. There really is nobody else I would trust. In the beginning I remember having to tell my mom how Cami liked being held, how she liked being rocked to sleep, her schedule, etc… But now, she is the one that has to tell me how to be with my daughter. It breaks my heart. It is only natural tho, Cami spends most of her time at grandma’s. When she gets home its play time, nap time, bath time and her night time routine to get to bed. My time with Cami is so limited. So even on days when I get to workout, ugh, it is hard! I feel like such a bad mom or even selfish for taking time away from her.
So there is this love/hate battle I have within me about loving and hating how much Cami loves spending time with grandma. Sometimes feeling like I am not enough. What if she doesn’t realize that I am her mother? What if she thinks that my mom is her mom? Does she feel more comfort in my mom’s arms? Man, am I the only one that feels this way? Am I bad daughter for feeling this way? I don’t know. I would so love to be able to stay home with Cami every day and not have to worry about leaving her, or wonder if she knows who I am. But that is just not possible for our family at the moment. Although, I was able to move my work schedule around and reduce the amount of hours I work, I feel like it is just not enough.
Then there is the issue about how my husband and I want to raise her vs. how my parents would want to do things. Obviously, they are the grandparents so they want to spoil her. So having to tell my parents to not do this or that, or do things a certain way is not the most pleasant thing. They have more experience at parenting than us, yes, but Cami is ours and sometimes having different parenting styles can be difficult. Having to say “no” to mom and dad is hard, especially when she is spending most of her time with them. However, I know my parents try, for the most part, to do things the way we ask, and it is so appreciated.
I realize that all these feelings I have may be normal. I just never expected to feel this way. Deep down I know Cami knows I am her mother and loves me. She is just growing so fast and I just hope to be able to experience all her firsts. I am very grateful to have such a loving and caring family that support us in every way possible, and that Cami will grow surrounded by so much love!
Hi there! My name is Ana, I am a 26 year old first time mama to a baby girl. In my blog, The Blushing Mama, I talk about my experiences as a first time working mama, as well as health and fitness. I love my job as a Paralegal, but most of all I love being a mama! In my down time I love spending time with my family discovering new places, working out and hey why not, catching up on some Netflix. The Blushing Mama is dedicated to my fellow mamas and women in hopes of creating a positive space to support and encourage each other in this crazy amazing life.